The Five Circles of Online Safety
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How parents can keep kids safer online
Technology is life-changing! We are living in incredible times.
We can create a music playlist for free, put in our wireless earbuds and jam out! And we can share that same playlist with friends and they can listen, too!
We can post a photo on social media and get immediate feedback from around the world!
We can ask Google about anything!
It’s amazing! But...
There’s also a downside for all this online access to information. The internet is not a safe or healthy place for kids without adult guidance and supervision.
Your role as safety manager and protector is crucial to your child’s safety online.
We’ll show you how to get started.
An overview of the five things you can do to keep kids safer online
We’ve put together an overview of what you can do to keep connected with your children and protect them from online harms. It’s called the Five Circles of Online Safety and the actions you can take spell out “FAMILY”.
Here’s the thing - you’re already doing many of these things. In fact, take a deep breath right now - you’re already doing so many important things when you parent.
Don’t get overwhelmed at the length of this article and decide it’s going to be hard. This is just the overview and it’s supposed to summarize all the steps to take. We’ll go slowly, and step-by-step, to give you the details you need.
Our advice is to focus on one area at a time, then when you’ve had a chance to implement something from each of the Five Circles, go back to #1 again. Your child is growing and changing and so is the guidance and support they need along the way.
So the bad news is - you’re never really “done” with the Five Circles. But the good news is, you can start slowly and focus in one area. You’ll be surprised at how much you already know.
Some of the things we’ll talk about are relationship focused and others are technology pieces. At the end of the day, you need both a strong relationship AND some help from technology to supervise your child’s behavior online. But don’t worry - we’ll help you figure out the parts that might be new to you.
Let’s take a look at the five actions you can take to keep your kids out of trouble online.
The Five Circles of Safety actions are:
Filter the internet
Align with your values
Monitor what kids are doing online
Interact with your kids
Limit time spent online
When you’re doing these five things, you’re creating protective factors for your family. Your kids are less likely to make mistakes online, and when they do mess up, you’ll be able to help them recover.
Our graphic of The Five Circles shows each circle overlapping and that’s because how these five actions overlap and build on each other.
In the center of the Five Circles is your child and the “Y” in FAMILY. The Y represents “why” - Remember why you are doing this. You’re taking time to understand because you love your child and because their safety and health is important. Let’s take a minute to feel that love. You love them so much and want what’s best for them. I celebrate that you’re here because you care.
Let’s get into more detail on each of The Five Circles of Safety.
F - Filter the internet content
Every smart device that your child has access to should be filtered, including your devices and shared devices.
There are two parts required to filter the internet - the human side and the technology side.
Human filtering
You’re the best filter there is. Spending time side by side, talking through what you’re doing and why, previewing the searches, looking at the ads that pop up on YouTube, making sure you’re using parental controls and safety features, using YouTube Kids vs YouTube
Technology filtering
An app or piece of hardware that filters out inappropriate content (explicit websites) is an important safety tool.
Two of our favorite free filters are the apps Apple’s Screen Time (for iPhones and other Apple products) and Google Family Link (for Android devices and newer iPhones). They can be found in your app store on your smart phone.
Two of our favorite filters to purchase are Bark Home and Circle (15% discount on Circle with the code SAFETY15). They both offer small boxes you plug into your router at home. In addition to filtering content, they can help you set “bedtimes” for devices and can turn off the internet for one child or one period of time.
Another way to filter the internet is to start over and upgrade your router. Your router is a device that communicates between the internet and the devices in your home that connect to the internet. We recommend the Gryphon router, which has robust parental controls built in.
Are you wondering how to put parental controls on your gaming system, smart phone, smart TV, etc?
The Bark-O-Matic is a free tool to secure apps and devices hooked up to the internet. You’ll get specific instructions on how to enable parental settings and lock down apps. It's amazing!
A - Align with your values
This is the activity of getting together as parents and caregivers and getting on the same page about how you want to raise your child.
Schedule time (without the kids) to share your values and beliefs around screen time and the content your kids want to see.
Really, there are two main questions.
How much screen time is appropriate? (Screen time can include TV, streaming movies, video games, laptops, tablets, smart phones, chromebooks - ALL the screens.)
What kind of content should your child be watching? Where is the line between an appropriate show or video game and one that’s inappropriate?
Really listen to each other. Where are your beliefs similar? Where are they different? These non-negotiable beliefs are your family values.
Ideally, you’ll create a plan to deal with screen time that incorporates both of your beliefs and thoughts and agree to back each other up. Parenting is much more effective when you’re on the same page.
M - Monitor what your child is doing
Supervision is key
You can only correct and influence what you can see and know. Until recently, that’s been the problem with kids on the internet, social media or gaming - you can’t see when they're misbehaving or wandering into dangerous situations.
And kids don’t feel like anyone is watching them or enforcing the rules.
And let’s take a minute to explore what happens if adults don’t feel like anyone is enforcing the rules.
Imagine you’re at an intersection with a stop sign at each corner and there’s no one else around. You might decide you’re not going to come to a complete stop - instead you’ll kind of roll on through. It won’t hurt anyone - no one else is there. No one is watching so you won’t get in trouble. You roll on through.
Now imagine you’re rolling toward the intersection and see a police car at the corner. You’re probably going to sit up a little straighter and make sure you come to a complete stop. Someone is watching! And you could get in trouble! There are consequences when we misbehave while driving, in the form of a traffic ticket, going to court, losing our driver’s license, going to jail…
Kids need parents to supervise their behavior online and provide consequences for bad behavior, then provide more training.
There are two levels to monitoring what your child is doing - the human level and the technology level.
Human monitoring
Your child or teen needs to know that they should not expect 100% privacy on any device. You can and should take a look at what they’re doing online often. This can look like sitting next to them and talking or looking over their shoulder. This can also be a regular inspection, where kids hand over their phones and you spend some time on their phone, going deep into what photos they’re saving and the apps they have downloaded.
Technology monitoring
There are several apps that can help you “see” what your child is doing online, from apps that only send alerts when there is inappropriate content to “spy apps” that record every word your child writes. (In general we do not recommend “spy apps”.)
Now you can "see" when your child may be in danger online, without invading their privacy.
One of our favorite monitoring apps is called Bark and it helps parents see what your child is doing online. It lets kids keep some of their privacy online because it won’t report your child’s every keystroke. But when a child sends or receives content that could be inappropriate, you get an alert and a chance to guide their behavior, before it gets worse.
With Bark, you have the magical ability to pause the internet! And control screen time! And set bedtimes! Bark uses artificial intelligence to make sure kids stay safe and it monitors 25+ apps for inappropriate text, emojis, abbreviations and photos and send you alerts when your child may be in danger.
What I like about Bark
Bark lets kids develop their inner compass over time. They learn what's appropriate to do online and start to internalize those values. All three of my kids have come to me before I get a Bark parent alert to tell me about something dumb that someone sent. "You're probably going to get a Bark alert, Mom." Then they tell me what happened and (most importantly) what they did about it.
This is exactly what I want! To have my kids know right from wrong and be problem solving.
I - Interact with your child. Get curious.
Next you'll talk to your child about screen time, the apps they’re using, what they’re seeing online.
Sit next to them as they are on their screens and ask questions. Open, non-judgmental questions.
#1 - Let them be the experts!
It’s okay to ask questions about what your child is doing online, even if you’re not a “tech person” and even if you don’t understand exactly what app or game they’re on.
#2 - Let your child know that there will never be a time or situation that you won’t love them through. There’s nothing they could do that you wouldn’t want to help them through. You are there for them. Period. If they feel lost or embarrassed or ashamed, they can still count on you.
L - Limit their screen time
Being aware of what kids are doing online and how much time they’re spending online is crucial to protecting them.
What's the appropriate amount of screen time for kids? That depends on several factors:
their age
what they're doing online—are they spending hours scrolling social media or are they editing a video they’ve created?
your family values
how they're doing with their responsibilities offline (schoolwork, chores, sports, etc.)
Every family is different.
Here's what we know for sure: The average adult unlocks their phone 150+ times a day. (Adults also need some screen time limits! It’s easy to spend a lot more time than you intended online. That’s why it’s called "the rabbit hole".) And if it’s easy for us adults to lose track of time, what chance do our kids have without a lot of guidance?
Y - Remember why you’re doing this.
In the center of the five circles is your child and the “Y” in FAMILY. The Y represents “why” - Remember why you are doing this.
Love.
You’re doing this because you love your child. You care. You’re doing this because their safety and health is important.
Let’s take a minute to feel that love. You love them so much and want what’s best for them. I celebrate that you’re here because you care.
Here’s another thing - Sometimes it’s okay to be called “mean” when you set limits. It’s the sign of good parenting.
Remember these actions you're taking with the acronym F-A-M-I-L-Y.
These Five Circles will help you provide guard rails while your child explores online. Although you’ll continue to revisit the Five Circles as your child or teen grows and their interests change, you can be confident that this framework will support your family’s safety.
Guess where you'll spend most of your time in the Five Circles? Talking!
Talking to your spouse and your kids.
Developing your relationship.
Shifting your focus as your kids get older and need your involvement to change.
Staying connected with your parenting partners and children requires daily check in's, flexibility and curiosity. It's a proactive, intense job that has immense payoffs. You'll feel supported and united with your partner. You'll understand what's important to your child and approach discussions from a win-win perspective.
To be clear, the goal is to overcommunicate and leave nothing to chance. As a reminder, the definition of communicate is "to share or exchange information or ideas". (Note that "communicate" isn't about lecturing and "making" your kids listen. You know that won't work, right?)
Parenting your brilliant children is a lot easier if you set some boundaries, supervise them, give them some freedom in the safety zone and keep checking in.
