Raising capable teens and young adults: What kids need to know before they leave the house
With my own teens getting closer to leaving the house (and one already gone!), I’ve been thinking about life skills. What’s essential to know before you’re out on your own? What do I wish someone had taught me before I had to figure it out on my own?
Some of what’s important is online, but so many skills that need practicing are the people skills or life skills that are not internet based. That’s what we’ve been practicing lately.
I’ve organized my thoughts into categories and we’re gathering around the table on Sundays to talk and practice a few at a time.
Capabilities and knowledge teens should have before they leave the house
4 life or death things to remember
Never run a car in a garage or enclosed space. Don’t even sit in a car that’s idling out in the open for a long time if it has bad insulation/exhaust
Never mix bleach with other cleaning chemicals
Wear a condom until you’re monogamous and have both been tested for STDs and HIV. (This includes practicing how to put a condom on a banana!)
Never get a ride from someone under the influence of substances that impair judgment (yes, that’s cold medicine too
Managing conflicts and hard conversations
This is such a critical skill for young adults! Whether they’re in a dorm with roommates or at their first job or traveling the world, humans will run into conflict and disagreements wherever they are, throughout their life. Let’s give them the skills to manage these hard conversations.
A great way to practice conflict resolution regularly is with family meetings. Having weekly family meetings add structure to the week. Just like a workplace requires check-ins and updates, so do families!
We follow the Positive Discipline family meeting structure, but when you first introduce family meetings you’ll keep it short and fun with just compliments and family fun. Over time you’ll expand to the full meeting, which is four parts:
Compliments all around for each family member, including yourself
Issues and potential solutions (X is leaving the toilet seat up; Y is always making us late for school)
Schedule for the week (review the calendar, talk about activities and who needs rides, dinner prep help, chore assignments, anything that needs to be scheduled)
Family fun (a yummy dessert, fun game, family walk - you get to decide as a family!)
Another tip - Practicing apologizing at home helps teens recognize there’s a problem, offer solutions and learn how to get along with various personalities and quirks. Harriet Lerner wrote the book on authentic apologies and rule #1 is they’re never forced, while you’re still angry.
“In a good apology - yes, you need to show genuine sorrow if it's something important, but you stay focused on acknowledging the feelings of the hurt party without overshadowing them with your own pain or remorse.”
What not to say when apologizing - “I’m sorry if” you feel bad or “I’m sorry but” you did this first or “I’m sorry you feel that way” - those don’t work!
Money
Plan for taxes being taken out of your paycheck. Just because you make $15/hour doesn’t mean you get to keep it all.
Know the expenses and bills that come with having an apartment or living on your own (including hidden expenses like the complexes’ laundry room might need quarters and the pool might have a maintenance fee)
Practice writing a check, endorsing a check, depositing a check
Practice online transfers and deposits
Set up a simple budget to show common expenses and how much money they need to make
Practice how to fill out W-4’s and Form 1040’s (federal taxes)
Review your credit card statement to make sure the charges are valid (I just had this happen! Someone got a hold of my credit card and charged $1,302 on my card for a MacBook! It was an opportunity to talk about fraud and how to dispute a charge.)
Phone calls; Asking for help
Reserve a table at a restaurant (on an app and with a phone call)
Call to make a doctor’s appointment
Call to dispute a charge or bill
Ask a department store where to find something
Cars
Where to find your registration and insurance card (the glove box hopefully) and when you’ll need it
Where to find your owner’s manual and what kinds of things you’ll find inside
How to pump gas
How to change a tire
How to detail the car, inside and out
How to fill up the tires with air
Where to check the oil and coolant levels
Where to wash a car and get it serviced
How often the car needs oil and maintenance
Cooking and eating
Grocery shopping - where to find the healthiest food (around the perimeter of the store)
Food prep
How to read a recipe
Easy low-cost meals to prepare (eggs, cheese sandwich, soup, beans, salad, hamburger)
Health and hygiene
How to clean each room in the house (checklists help!) Check out Flylady (or her app) for daily reminders and cleaning tips based on zones.
How long to keep perishables in the refrigerator
What the “Sell By” dates mean on dairy and meat
Where to get tested for STDs
How to wash laundry - whites and darks
How to load a dishwasher and which soap to use
How to handwash dishes
How often to wash sheets
Maintenance - home and garden
How to change a light bulb
How to install a door knob or a cabinet pull (skills: measuring, making a template, using the drill)
How to mow the lawn and fill the gas tank
How to weed whack safely
Insurance
What insurance do you need?
Home/Renters insurance
Auto
Health
Family chores
Chores are another way to teach kids capability skills.
Although it starts out slower and less clean than if you did them all yourself, you’re teaching so much about responsibility, cleanliness, helping out and what it takes to run a household. It’s worth it!
Plus you get to model standards and have continuing conversations about their work product.
It’s not as easy as just off-loading work to them though. Just like in a work situation, you’ve got to provide job training. There’s a four step process to teaching new skills:
Talk about the skill - why it’s important, how it’s done, how they’ll know it’s done properly. Writing a checklist together helps.
Model how to do it
Help your child as they do it
Let them do it on their own and give them praise for effort and kind thoughts on how to improve next time (Recognizing effort is key!)
Here’s an age-appropriate chore list that’s helpful to look at when you’re thinking about what skills kids are capable of and ready for at various ages.
What else would you add to this list of “adulting” that every teen should know?
Join our community and let me know your thoughts!